Tag: horror movies

Bullet Point Review: Blood Lake – Attack of the Killer Lampreys

On By James CastroIn Movies, ReviewsLeave a comment

BulletPointReviews

What makes a good movie? It probably depends on who you ask, however often forgotten is the concept of entertainment. This is the main reason we watch movies after all. Being fun to watch is something even the so-called “best” movies can’t accomplish. Since I can be a slight movie snob myself it may be surprising that I’m bestowing the title of “good movie” to…

What it’s about

  • Plot: People living in an idyllic Michigan lakeside town are attacked by…Killer Lampreys, what else could happen?
  • Characters: Fish and wildlife expert, his wife and daughter, various friends and co-workers, disapproving mayor etc, etc… Most of them are recognizable, veteran character actors so the lead performances aren’t weak or distracting from the enjoyment of epic lamprey violence.
  • Vibe: Imagine the 1978 version of Piranha with 1975’s Jaws, including chattering swarms of evil fish and a mayor who doesn’t see the threat. One big selling point is that it’s shot in a bright manner so it gives a lighthearted feel to what could be a grim atmosphere.  It’s this well-done tone that makes the movie work so well.  It keeps it fun, rather than dreary like so many horror movies have gone for recently.

Why it’s fun

  • Played Straight: Despite the somewhat goofy plot synopsis all the actors actually play it totally straight and most do a pretty good job.
  • Lamprey Attacks: What’s not to like about lampreys hurling themselves out of lakes, pipes, ducts, walls, and floors like blood-seeking ballistic missiles.
  • Spectacle Kills: It’s very much like the great cult movies of the 80s like Critters or Ghoulies where half the fun is watching the little monsters creatively off victims. In this case they lamprey-out brains and lamprey-up toilets with expected results.  It is SO cable graphic if you aren’t guffawing with laughter during it you’re not watching it right!
  • Four Words: Anti.  Lamprey.  Weed.  Wacker.

Final Thoughts:

This is a made-for-cable movie.  It of course has a lower budget and the special effects aren’t up there with the latest J. J. Abrams movie. So why do I recommend it? For the same reason I’d recommend Friday 13th or Cherry Falls over A.I. or Memento: it’s silly fun; glorious in the best B-Movie kind of way.  Gory, frantic, everything you’d want in an entertainment.  Yes film students will ponder the epic nature of Citizen Kane or the layered meanings of everything Christopher Nolan heaves into theaters, but would I dare say either of these kinds of films is entertaining? If I have the choice of watching a pretentious drag or watching mindless death-by-lamprey I’ll choose death-by-lamprey any day. I may pick actual death-by-lamprey over watching any of the choices listed above… So Blood Lake may be bound for CULT classic status, which is where movies like this thrive. It is wildly entertaining, hilariously kill-y, great to watch with friends, and those involved were just having a good time and it shows. We at RevPub will be buying one copy each the second it’s available to buy so there are two sales right there!  Check it out!

Rating: 3.5 Lamprey Suck-Hole-Mouths out of 5 (though for just plain fun it would score a five!)

Lamprey

The official movie site!

For more fun watch LIVE LAMPREY CAM!

 

How to Survive a Hostage Horror Movie

On By R. PettyIn OpinionsLeave a comment

A dear friend said to me this week, “No one would keep you as a hostage.” We shared a good laugh and knew she was right. NO one would be able to keep me as a hostage. I’m a nightmare – moody, mouthy, and opinionated – and meanness comes very natural to me.

We discussed what I would do in a horror movie hostage situation. Think Saw, Hostile, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. These movies have a psychopath or group of them who take “innocent” people hostage and torture them until death. Have no fear, though – with these tips, you may survive or at least die sooner!

*we don’t guarantee it, though.

Torture chair1. Demand they kill you. We’ve learned over the years in horror movies that begging for your life doesn’t work (thanks JB). Crying and pleading gets you no where. The killer already knows you are a human being and they want to take your life – thus the reason you are in the situation. They don’t care. Instead, force them to kill you. Show no fear in death, and you may actually survive.

2. Relate to them. No one ever survives because they tell the killer how great their life is or how much they have to live for. In fact, it probably makes your killer want to torture you more because they don’t have the same things. They want you to share the pain. Instead, talk about how much your life sucks. Dig deep, too. Look for things like your mother didn’t love you, sibling rivalry, broken hearts, the things that really scarred you. We all have them. It may be therapeutic for you, too.

3. Call them out. Killers enjoy watching you suffer, so don’t. If they cut off your finger, say you have seven more and give them the bird. If they make tiny incisions, ask if that’s the best they can do or to give you the knife, and you’ll do it. If they hit you, tell them your grandma hits harder. Get inside their head and make them doubt their ability. Either it’ll amplify their own insecurities or they’ll kill you faster – either is better than being tortured.

4. Get personal. You don’t know why they’re a psychopath, so test the waters. Ask questions such as: did your mommy not love you? Did your daddy beat you? Did your true love see you for the crazy psycho you are and bail? Or maybe he/she ran off with your brother, sister, best friend? Ask in the most mocking tone possible and find the reason. Use it against them. Be nasty.

5. Show emotion (but don’t cry). Be angry, degrading, and forceful. Yell and mock them. Mock them A LOT. Call them a drama queen, say things like awe…you poor thing, no one loves you (in your best baby speak). Or when I get out of this chair, I’ll show you how to torture someone. Feel it! Doing this will accomplish one of two things: defeating them or receiving your death wish.

Most of us don’t want to be tortured to death, so the best option is to avoid it. You may get away. If so, grab a manageable weapon and beat or hack them into oblivion. If not, going quickly is a better alternative to suffering for days, maybe even weeks. Keep in mind that you’ll never be the same, and if you do die, you can come back as a vengeful spirit and haunt them into eternity.

Urban Legend: Great 90s Teen Horror

On By R. PettyIn MoviesLeave a comment

Revenant Publications 90s banner

Maybe it’s age or the fact that being younger is most times easier, but I kind of miss the 90s. A good friend said recently that people were happier in the 90s, and looking back, I have to agree. Even as miserable as adults seemed back then, they didn’t seem as stressed out or tired.

With that said, I’ve subconsciously sunk into a 90s kick. First, it was Are You Afraid of the Dark, now it’s Clarissa Explains It All (review coming later), and tonight as I flipped channels, Urban Legend on TV. And this week’s post was decided.

Urban Legend (1998) is 90s teen horror at its finest. The writing, cast, soundtrack – this movie had it all. A serial killer knocks off teens based on urban legends, and every stereotype you can imagine is in this movie. There’s the douchey popular guy, the final girl, the college newspaper writer, etc. – even Robert Englund plays a professor! It may be my favorite teen horror movie.

Here are my top five reasons I love Urban Legend: (Contains Spoilers)

1. The killer: If you grew up in the 90s, you know the Noxzema chick, Rebecca Gayheart. That commercial was on all the time, and she was a classic 90s teen icon. Her big eyes and fluffy hair were almost unforgettable, especially when she went psycho crazy in the movie.

2. The writing: For a teen horror movie, the script is pretty well written, and there aren’t many bad one liners. When it is bad, it’s supposed to be. It never takes itself too seriously. My favorite line, “Don’t you want to be an urban legend? All your friends are now.”

3. Jared Leto: Any ladies around my age know what I’m talking about.

4. The soundtrack: I just noticed the soundtrack tonight as I listened to the movie. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stabbing Westward, The Crystal Method, Rob Zombie, all signature 90s artists.

5. The kills: There’s blood, guts, and a lot of screaming. Because the kills are based on urban legends, it’s more entertaining than your traditional slasher movie. For example, there’s the girl who gets axed in her car, the guy who drinks Draino, and the date who gets hanged in the tree. I remember watching the guy on stage drink Poprocks and Coke, and I almost died. Sadly, he didn’t.

I admit I haven’t seen the sequels, so if you have any thoughts about them or recommend them, let us know! And for fun, check out the old Noxzema commercial 🙂

Horror Movies and Real Life

On By James CastroIn Random Fun, Short Stories1 Comment

We’ve all seen Scream and hopefully everyone has read “15 Signs of a Horror Movie Fan” written by the fairer half of RevPub.  We all know the rules for surviving a horror movie and have all had those, “I’d never do THAT if I was in that situation” moments watching a slasher film.

I’ve been in a few moments that made me think maybe I was that idiot character dropping the weapon and turning my back instead of pummeling my momentarily weakened pursuer into sausage filler.  I’ve tempted fate by saying, “What’s the worst that could happen?” and I’ve been with a friend exploring the supposedly haunted second floor of my office when she yelled out “HELLO?!” and I responded, “Are you crazy?! Have you seen ANY horror movie ever?!”  But there was one incident where I really failed the “How to Survive a Horror Movie” test.

I was dog-sitting for a co-worker in his home in a rural area.  I went early in the morning and early in the evening to ensure he got his food at regular intervals and got to go on regularly timed run-arounds and walks.  I let him out the back door when I noticed a deep gouge in the grass.  Almost like something huge, heavy, and long had sat there for a long time.  I leaned down, with the dog still on the leash, and saw the depression in the grass was about 10 inches wide and stretched from the back door all the way to the side of the house, around the corner and out of sight; probably some 20-30 feet in full length.  I took two slow steps and reached down to find long strands of shed snake skin strewn about within the trench.

Not thinking, I tugged the leash and said, “C’mon, boy let’s see where this leads” and started around the corner following what could only be described as the path of a MASSIVE snake.  As I pulled the leash the dog whined slightly and reluctantly followed.  I said, “C’mon…!” and dragged him along the giant snake path.  As we rounded the corner and I brushed leaf-heavy branches out of my view I said to myself, “What are you doing…  You’ve just become the idiot in a pre-title sequence to an AWFUL horror movie…”  Realizing my stupidity I turned around, took the dog on his walk around his regular path and took him back inside.

In retrospect it was likely the place where one of those large, black, plastic drainage tubes laid and the snake skin was just there by chance.

The Horror Movie expert in me, however, feels I narrowly survived being eaten by a massive super-python that night.  And only the dog was smart enough to try to avoid it.

Have you ever been in a horror movie-type situation?  Did you act as you always thought you would, or did you become a bad Friday 13th stereotype like I did on this one occasion?

If you answered the latter, don’t worry; even if it did briefly seem like you were about to become a slasher film statistic remember that someone has to survive long enough to frustrate and beat the bad guy right?  Just because you made a mistake 20 minutes after the title card, doesn’t mean you won’t survive to see the franchise psycho off for this particular installment!  Let’s just hope we all survive the first 15 minutes of the sequel!

Someone does have to be that “final girl” (I’m looking at you Raven) I just hope I’m there for the credit crawl…

Monster Therapy
Because maybe they can only truly understand each other…

15 Signs of a Horror Movie Fan

On By R. PettyIn Random Fun2 Comments



You know you’re a horror movie fan if…

  1. You conceal “weapons” throughout your home. I.e.: knitting needles, table lamps, hammers, screw drivers, vases, ball bats, kitchen knives, ink pens and hard-back books.
  2. You hear a strange noise so you grab a weapon and investigate.
  3. Once investigating, you never think to say, “Hello, is anyone there?”
  4. A strange noise isn’t an intruder, it’s a ghost.
  5. Nothing is weird or unexplained, it’s always a poltergeist.
  6. You have an evacuation plan for every building you enter in case of a zombie apocalypse.
  7. You have a plan and supplies, and you will survive the zombie apocalypse.
  8. When swimming in a lake or ocean, you can’t help but think something will grab your feet or legs at any moment.
  9. You feel compelled to howl at a full moon.
  10. Dolls creep you out, and you may be scared of clowns or leprechauns.
  11. Vampires are hot, and you secretly want to be one.
  12. More importantly, you felt that way before the Twilight series.
  13. You watch slasher movies to relax and boost your mood after a tough day at work or school.
  14. You were voted, “Final girl or guy” in class or at work.
  15. Last, but not least… Your child wakes up from sleep walking. The next morning there are scratches on his/her arm. Your first theory… demonic possession.

— From the mind and experiences of RP