Story of the Month: Close Encounters with the Microsoft Helpline

On August 20, 2013August 20, 2013 By James CastroIn Games, Opinions, Story of the Month1 Comment

We’ve been talking a lot about things that make geeks mad. Bad movies. Bad fans. Bad practices. So I thought I’d tell a story that happened to me, something that usually makes nerds mad, but has a pretty happy ending.

When XBOX 360 and PS3 came out I opted for the PS3. I’d had both PS2 and Xbox and wasn’t as into the Xbox so I stuck with PS.

My brother in law received an Xbox basic model from his brother as a gift and had the system suffer catastrophic hardware failure, aka the “Red Ring of Death.” (I think he has had 3-4 console vines snap for similar reasons while swinging from the Xbox tree). He upgraded to an “elite” or “pro” or something and generously offered the DOA machine to me if I wanted to call and deal with Microsoft to get it repaired. I gratefully accepted, it’s not every day someone gives you a current gen console for basically free after all and it was awfully nice of him.

Honestly it took me a couple weeks to get it sorted out. I was playing Oblivion at the time and couldn’t be bothered. But after a while I decided to give it a go. So I set it up, plugged it in, and sure enough…Red Ring! I went through the motions a couple times, checking connections, etc. but still…Red Ring!

So, saying a small prayer to the helpline gods, I called the number provided and connected…to Microsoft helpline.

Now I’ll say I usually don’t mind the helpline, or even automated responses…but I loathe the automated responses that make you talk to them. Let me hit numbers, but talking to Hal 9000 always has done nothing but infuriate me. I’d rather have called Skynet than deal with what Microsoft provided…

It rang only once and what answered was a thing of putrid, rage-inducing evil. It was a voice halfway between cartoon character and sleazy Bill and/or Ted. It was clearly a corporate-created personality designed to “relate” to the adolescent video game audience:

Voice of corporate-designed evil: Hi! I’m Maaaax. Let me know how I can help you todaaaay.

In response I made this expression:

Appalled Me: You have got to be f*ckin kidding me…

So Max began to walk me through auto repair:

Max: Try unplugging it…and plugging it back in. Did that help? Say ‘yes’ or ‘no’…

Me: No…

Max: Nooooow try unhooking the connection from the baaaack of your Xbox and reeee-connecting it. Did that help? Say ‘yes’ or ‘no”… (as though the idiot needed to repeat these advanced commands at this point)

To my horror, I found that the power was connected in the back of the Xbox with these wire attachments that are a pain to get off with two hands, let alone one hand and the world’s most annoying computer assistant growling his dude-voice in your ear.

While fiddling with the stupid thing I happened to, as anyone might, utter a profanity…

Annoyed Me: Sh*t…

Max: I’m soooorry. I didn’t get thaaat. Can you say it agaaaain?

Exceedingly Annoyed Me: I said SH*T!

After going through the motions with Max a few more times, the smarmy bastard finally relented…

Max: Sorry I couldn’t heeeelp you. I’ll connect you with a customer service rep now.

I still hate Max.

While on hold, I heard voices in a Central Asian language speaking as though it was a radio news report. I don’t speak any Central Asian languages, but I kept hearing the name “Bhutto,” which I was familiar with from the news and ascertained I must have been connected to Pakistan, where Benazir Bhutto had sadly just been assassinated. When the customer service rep picked up I was relieved to hear a human voice. He had a heavy Pakistani accented but easy enough to understand:

Rep: Hello, sir, how can I help you?

Me: Yes, hello, I have an Xbox 360 that has had the hardware failure and I wanted to get it repaired.

Rep: Yes, sir, very good sir. Have you tried testing connections, checking power supply, sir?

Me: Oh yes, I went through all of that with the automated service.

After briefly running through some of the troubleshooting the rep got me to the repairs section.

Rep: OK, sir, I will send request to have your machine repaired. You will receive box. Inside box will be label. Simply put machine in box with label and it will be sent in for repair.

Me: Thanks. About how long will it take to get the box, and how long do repairs usually take?

Rep: Yes, sir, box will arrive in couple days. Repairs usually take a week or two.

Me (after receiving reference numbers, etc): Well thank you, I’ll look for the box and have it sent off.

What he said next really made me think…

Rep: Yes sir, thank you sir. Oh and sir? I would like to thank you for being courteous with me on the phone. And not curse at me.”

Me: No problem. It’s not your fault the thing’s broken.

Rep: Yes, sir, thank you again sir.

After I hung up I started to think… I wonder how many calls he gets from angry teenagers whose game machines cost more than he makes in a week trying to earn a living? Even though I’m not a supporter of outsourcing, it’s not his fault for finding a job. It’s Microsoft (or their contractor) who chose to send the calls abroad. Despite all the abuse the poor guy must usually endure, he was still helpful on the phone. And just by being decent someone who I never met it might have helped him have a bit of a better day.

It once again shows the value of one of the greatest modern axioms:

Coda: The fate of the repaired Xbox.

I ended up trading in the Xbox after a couple months. I tried Mass Effect and Dead Rising and couldn’t get into them (didn’t like them on PS3 either btw…) So if nothing else, the helpful customer service rep who finally helped me get the Xbox repaired, helped get me some good trade-in credit too. Whoever ended up with it should be grateful they didn’t have to call Max…plus they might have been a bit more aggressive with the customer service rep!

Off the Edge #4: Issues with Next Gen Gaming

On May 29, 2013May 29, 2013 By James CastroIn Games, OpinionsLeave a comment

I’ve maintained a console through every generation of gaming, NES, Genesis, Saturn, Playstation, Dreamcast, Playstation 2, XBOX, Gamecube, Playstation 3, Wii, XBOX 360. I’ve owned (or still own) all of these at one point or another and I just assumed I would always have a console. I have to say the recent pre-launches of the upcoming PS4 and especially the XBOX One have kind of put me off buying either next gen system.

The first question I have is, “why?” Though I jettisoned my 360, I have to say the PS3 and 360 are still both strong systems. They can get loads of life out of them and provide years of games with the “current” gen technology. I know there are loads of gamers out there who always want more and more in terms of graphical capabilities but they can squeeze so much out of the hardware it seems unnecessary that new hardware is needed to make games look better.

The second objection is the threat of DRM control. Most of us are familiar with the gaming industry in general and have heard that, despite shaky economic conditions and various natural disasters, the game divisions of most of these companies are turning profits, and in some cases are helping keep the rest of the company afloat. So why are game companies so concerned about “piracy” or the used game industry? It isn’t about their economic viability at this point it’s just greed. As a cartridge-gaming kid I never had more than a handful of games. My friends were in a similar situation. So we borrowed and traded with each other. Broke kids could play lots of games that way. When your friends wanted it back you had to either do without or, more often, sell some of your old ones and buy the new one you wanted. Buying used and trading has always been a dynamic part of the culture. The new plan is to DRM all games. To borrow a game from a friend you still have to pay for a game. This makes trading useless. All so companies already turning profits can make more money.

Even worse is the method in which they verify the DRM, specifically the XBOX One seems to have adopted the atrocious method used for Diablo III and the latest Sim City, always-on online server verification. It reminds me of the first time I put in my copy of Empire Total War and it made me install Steam. At that time Steam had to connect to the internet. I had a dodgy wi-fi connection. I couldn’t play it. A similar problem occurred when Diablo III came out, despite all the server preparation they didn’t have enough to allow the first-wave rush and people who pre-ordered the game couldn’t play it. The same happened with Sim City. Companies are now forcing you to be online even when you just want to play single-player games. I exclusively play one player so this is a barrier; as they focus on their marketing on online gamers and ignore what I’m guessing companies feel is a less-valuable customer. Microsoft can tout the number of servers they have ready for launch. There will be people who can’t get on. They will crash, and those gamers who want to just basically play a game won’t be able to.

They’re watching us…but they aren’t paying any attention to what WE want…

And my third major objection, can we have a game machine that really just plays games? Both Sony and Microsoft seem to be obsessed with all the other stuff their dream machines can do. It can connect to their proprietary networks to play proprietary movies! It can constantly keep connected to social media! It can control your TV! It watches you while you sleep and checks your vitals like HAL from 2001! Ok. All well and good…and well-and-creepy, but does it play games? Are the games any good? Do they do anything new and worthwhile? It doesn’t seem to be the case just yet. They look slightly better from what I can tell. The question really is do they look good for what they NEED to do? Sonic the Hedgehog and Double Dragon II still look amazing for what they need to do. Make it HD and it doesn’t add much more. Make it 3D and it doesn’t make it better. Add motion control and it generally gets in the way… Do they do anything worthwhile and new? Or is it just “here’s the single player game (with maybe some motion control stuff) and here’s the multiplayer game.” At this point I’m not sure how much innovation can be put into games, but typically the innovation comes from designers and writers not the hardware. Get some good, creative ideas and you can make 8-bits look amazing.

I once read a book called The Pentagon Wars by Air Force Colonel James Burton. In the book he describes the major issue with weapons development in the Pentagon (in the 80s and it’s probably still true) is that weapons manufacturers use military funding to create new technology that was ridiculously overpriced and entirely unnecessary. The developers and consequently the Pentagon top-brass, made the weapons they wanted to see using the new technology they wanted to play with. In doing so they totally ignored what the soldiers and pilots wanted and needed. He discovered pilots mostly dog fight with enemy planes via sight…in response the Pentagon and weapons industry produced a missile that can fire from miles away and missed far more often than it hit. A troop transport vehicle was requested to carry troops and instead it was outfitted with so much hardware it doesn’t carry enough troops and can’t do anything well, it just does them “good enough.” While reading about next-gen consoles I thought of this book. The console manufacturers are spending WAY too much time trying to shoe horn the newest technology into their latest plastic box. All the cameras, TV-internet connectivity, social media functionality, 3D gimmicks, motion control, and voice activation won’t be worth anything if the newest, fanciest game machine doesn’t have good games or play let you play them easily. There will be decent games on it, but to me, it won’t be worth what we’ll be paying for all the technology I don’t want or need.

The only way to send a message to the gaming industry would be to NOT buy their latest over-engineered next-gen system or let them know NOW what we really want in a new system. The economic system is all on its head; it should be what the market desires not what the industry mandates we will have. I won’t be getting one any time soon after launch. But I have a feeling the market will buy it. They’ll buy it, complain about it, and continue to support an industry that cares more about doing what they can do rather than doing what’s needed; and increasing profits via absurd protection methods rather than simply making products their market wants to buy.

I’ll have fun with Mega Man 2 and Streets of Rage 3 in the meantime…

I’d take almost any one of these any day at this point…

90s Shooters: The Joy of the Wolfenstein – Doom Era

On May 17, 2013May 16, 2013 By James CastroIn Games, Random Fun, ReviewsLeave a comment

Though I was a video gamer from a young age, playing Atari and NES, I didn’t get into PC gaming until I was in middle school.

My first home PC was a simple IBM with no hard drive. I played games directly off a 3.5” diskette and could only play shareware versions of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? and use Print Shop Pro to print on the DOT Matrix Printer. As time went on it became difficult to find games I could play that only had one disk…luckily we eventually upgraded our PC to one with a moderate hard drive (I think around 120 mb or so) and a whole new world of gaming opened up.

This was when I was introduced to shareware versions of Wolfenstein 3D, Blake Stone, and eventually Doom.

These represent the first person shooters I ever played, and some of the earliest entries into the genre. My friend Mike provided me with Wolfenstein and eventually Blake Stone. We played both shooting games on the 8^th grade newspaper computer instead of actually working on the school newspaper (I don’t know if we even had one) until we got caught.

Wolfenstein 3D was fascinating, killing all those Nazis in castle hallways. Hearing their low-fi German shouts (“Halt!” “Guten Tag!” “Mein Leben!” “Schutstaffel!”) and eventually working up to fight some strange version of Adolf Hitler in terminator armor.

Blake Stone is almost forgotten now, but it was a sci-fi game of the same making. I remember the blue-green gun and the mad scientist and green alien bad guys. Blake Stone was another one Mike and I played in English class (right behind the teacher if I recall…) and, though I never played it at home, it really got me into the corridor shooter game.

When Doom came out it changed the dynamic for me. Released from the corridors, you now moved through expansive locales and multiple-story levels. I played it on shareware, only the first few levels and I played them over and over. It’s the first “god mode” I ever used (IDDQD!) and even more often I’d use IDKFA for all weapons.

I played Doom relentlessly. I was one of the few individuals who bought a Sega 32X and even though it didn’t have a lot of games I truly enjoyed the ones it had. I listened to Use Your Illusion I & II and played Doom for months on my 32X as a middle schooler.

Once my PC could handle it I finally got a copy of Ultimate Doom and Doom II at the local Media Play and swapped the dozens of disks to install them. It was this era when you could play a game for months…even years. Turn on some midi music and play Doom for hours just as a time waster. I can’t even remember how many homework assignments I blew off to kill the Cyberdemon yet again…

I’m pretty sure the Imp sound effects are actually camel sounds. Weird to think about it now….

I actually remember it being a controversy at the time: did Doom make kids violent? It was ludicrous to me. Doom was as realistic as a cartoon (though a tad gorier than most I’ll admit) and it would follow that kids would only learn how to kill cacodemons with a keyboard while wielding a pixelated plasma rifle… How that equates to loading a pistol I’ll never understand. I’d say unless you’re a spiked imp throwing fireballs on screen and I’m a crew cut face wielding a video-chain gun society should be safe.

Doom really stands as the last first person shooter I really loved. Others came along (Duke Nukem 3D shortly after the Doom era…Kingpin when I was in college) but none really captured that Wolfenstein–Doom feeling for me. Now it’s one of my least favorite genres, burdened with a heavy emphasis on multiplayer (I’ve said it a million times…I deal with idiots all day in my real life…I don’t need to deal with anonymous idiots during my leisure time…) and less on long campaigns I could put on some music and kick back to they haven’t appealed to me.

So here’s to the 90s first person shooter. Turn on the game, turn off your brain, and enjoy some mindless (but entirely harmless) violence!

Off the Top of My Head #12: Warhammer 40K Orks Dreadtrukk

On May 8, 2013May 7, 2013 By James CastroIn Games, Random Fun5 Comments

If it wasn’t clear from my previous posts, most recently the one about Dreamlike Gaming (congrats on the new store guys!) I’m pretty well into the Warhammer/Warhammer 40k hobby now.

Over the last couple months I’ve built two 40k armies. One went along with the release of the new Dark Angels codex. Dark Angels are troubled and all about smiting chaos (with their own flaws so that makes them interesting) not to mention a super-cool robed look. I love my Dark Angels army and pics of them will be coming soon. However…my favorite 40k army is orks.

Orks are a great horde army. All movement and weight of fire. They have a terrific all-id attitude and slight regard for personal survival; it’s all about the good fight.

One of the tragedies of the orks is their slightly humorous persona. Orks ARE funny and I do love that about them, but their cockney slang accents and brutish attitude usually make them difficult to tell entire stories for. I’d hate to see them lose their sense of humor but I’d like to see some good, long narratives from Black Library about them. Like Rodney Dangerfield….they get no respect. Except Ghazghkull.. If you don’t believe me read Chains of Golgotha and see how menacing this guy is.

My favorite tabletop aspect of orks is their junkyard tech. They can make things work just be believing they work, and can “loot” vehicles from other races, make ’em orky, and use them under the “looted wagon” codex profile (btw orks REALLY need a 6th edition codex…c’mon Games Workshop!)

Keeping this in mind I was able to get my hands on a Chaos Defiler for a discount price and, as I truly despise the traitors, I knew I’d never use it in a chaos army…but I could loot it!

Since it’s half Deff Dread and half Trukk I dubbed it the “Dreadtrukk.” It has parts of a Chaos Defiler, Battlewagon, Trukk, Land Raider Crusader, Wartrakk, Dakkajet, and Warbike to name a few.

Attached are pics of my looted Chaos defiler. It was a challenge to build, but I created it under codex rules and gave it:

DredTrukk	Points	Number Taken	Total
Original Points: 35			35
Skorcha	15	1	15
Big Shoota	5	2	10
Red Paint Job	5	1	5
Stikkbomb Chukka	5	1	5
Armour Plates	10	1	10
Boarding Plank	5	1	5
Wreckin’ Ball	10	1	10
Reinforced Ram	5	1	5
Grabbin’ Klaw	5	1	5

Total			105

The lower “jaw” is obviously the reinforced ram from the battlewagon. Believe it or not it is held in place with the left “arm” weapon of the Chas defiler left in two pieces. It worked remarkably well.

The Skorcha is actually the Flamestorm cannons from a Land Raider Redeemer. I made the Crusader variant but liked the look of the flamer so I was glad to use it. The turret still raises and lowers slightly which means the jaw actually “works.”

Inside the “mouth” is a ram head from a warbike.

The boarding planks I attached to the back of the trukk bed rather than the sides. Since the legs are on the sides it gives a bit more range, plus they can board whatever is “grabbed” by the Grabbin’ Klaw. For the Grabbin Klaw I used the claws that came with the Defiler and laid the trukk bed on top of them.

The “commander” is a nob with a stormboy head in a cupola made of Killa Kan shoulder pads an a vision slit.

The left side gunner is from the old Wartrakk set, I made a skorcha out of that too so I had him left over.

The right gunner is a “big shoota” boy with a nob head (no laughing!) I was very please with his posing, the big shoota held wildly in one hand and the human head held high in the other. I gave him a bloody chain axe just for fun. His “turret” is made of left over parts of the Dakkajet, a bike tire half, and Killa Kan parts.

I admit I like my orks “dirty” and scratched up even when bright and flashy. I had it painted in a nice pristine color scheme but didn’t like it until I scratched it to kingdom come with Necron compound.

I have another looted wagon I actually like better. A typical Leman Russ wth a boom gun. Pics of it and my custom warboss, Grimskragg Defftrigga, coming soon!

Click the picture below for a 360 view!

Off the Top of My Head #9: Warhammer and Dreamlike Gaming

On March 13, 2013March 13, 2013 By James CastroIn Games, Random Fun3 Comments

As I’ve posted recently I’ve gotten into tabletop wargaming. Mostly Warhammer 40k. I love building the models, I love painting them, and as I’ve found out recently I truly enjoy playing the game. I had been putting off working on my armies and playing the game until recently when, while searching for some battle tutorials I came across “Dreamlike Gaming” on Youtube.

I watched a series of Dark Vengeance unboxing and battle reports and became addicted to their videos. I’ve seen lots of videos recently as I’ve tried to get up to speed with 40k and tabletop wargaming but these are by far my favorite. Many videos like these are made by reviewers or wannabe reviewers and one thing I’ve noted about “critics” recently is they tend to only know how to be critical. It could be the snarkiness inherent in the internet culture but you never hear glowing reviews anymore, I think because people find it easier or trendier to dislike things. What appealed to me about the Dreamlike videos I watched, most of them from Tom, Mark, and Stu (good luck with your future projects!), were these are guys who really enjoy playing the games they play. They aren’t critics with another company, these guys are the company (or at least a big part of it) and the reason they’re in the business is they love to play. Win or lose, they truly capture the experience of playing games with your friends in a perfect way.

They also aren’t experts. They’ll stop and review the rules. They get some of them wrong and let you know about their mistakes in conclusions or in following videos. As a starting out player this makes the games feel less intimidating. Everyone can get the complex rules to these games wrong, or sometimes forget to roll their “gets hot” when firing plasma guns!

The videos are simple, raw, and surprisingly hilarious. From Stu’s absolute domination during his first swing with High Elves against Tom’s poor Ogre Army, to Tom’s dealing with the “shenanigans” of the Grey Knights against his doomed Chaos forces (that report is full of terrific moments, his description of Abbadon’s Talon of Horus as a “space marine killy claw,” his declaration that his ONE remaining chaos terminator “fancied himself next warmaster,” and the endless combat between said terminator and the Grey Knight Justicar). These guys love to play games and it shows, and they also have great video personas.

Black Legion vs Grey Knights. I love this one!

Just watching their battle reports got me excited about playing with my new armies and even has me looking into Warhammer fantasy as well, something I never thought I’d do.

The above video is a whole playlist. Hit play when the next vid pops up for lots of fantasy battle report videos!

They aren’t slick, expensively produced videos but they ARE remarkably effective at showing you how to play, not just with the rules but with the attitude of a gamer having fun, letting friendly opponents correct mistakes, always shaking hands, and having a good laugh whether you got the victory points or not. If you’re a beginner like me or just a gamer looking to see some fun battle reports and watch some gamers having fun I say check them out. They’ve got a store too, and if you live in the UK (I don’t so you guys have reached across the pond all the way to Tennessee!) check that out too.

I’ve recently completed the first incarnation of my two 40k armies and I’ll be posting pics of their newly constructed, unpainted masses soon and will do updates of my painted versions as I complete them.

I’m glad that REAL social gaming seems to be coming back and is a growing community. As Wil Wheaton would say, “Play more games!” and as Tom would say, “Keep it dreamlike!”

http://www.dreamlikegaming.com/

http://www.facebook.com/DreamlikeGaming

Also, check out my other Warhammer-related posts!

Illustrator Blood Angels

Balrog Painting

Black Reach Orks

Warhammer Fantasy Presents

Lego Pirates of the Caribbean Review

On February 10, 2013February 9, 2013 By R. PettyIn Games, ReviewsLeave a comment

I would not call myself a gamer. I am pretty up-to-date on what comes out and which ones are popular, but I owe that to my large group of gamers who I spend time with. My son, husband, brothers, and best friends are all avid gamers, and it fascinates me. But I’ve never had the patience to sit down and play to the end.

When I was younger, I played the Marios, and I even beat Paper Mario 64 about 10 years ago. I’ve played other classics like Pacman and Final Fantasy, but up until this year Paper Mario 64 was the only game I had beat.

Then Lego games came into my life.

The Lego video games won my heart. Although I have beaten Lego Harry Potter Years 1-4, I am going to discuss the most fun game I have played to date: Lego Pirates of the Caribbean.

Lego Pirates is the perfect game adaptation to the movies. The game contains all four movies, and you can choose which movie you go into. It’s easy, quick, and a great way to kick back after a long day.

Here’s why:

You can break nearly everything with your weapon. There is something very satisfying about hitting a bucket or tree with a sword causing it to bust into Lego pieces, which count as money and rank you as a true pirate.

You can play as your favorite character. Playing as five different Jack Sparrows in World’s End was a blast!

It’s easy to play. Like any game it can be frustrating, but you’re never stuck long.

The Lego graphics and in-between scenes are funny. They won’t kill Lego Norrington; they will take his head off, shove a fish up it, and you watch it swim away. Davy Jones looks amazing too.

It’s good, clean fun. It’s a Lego game, so you can play with your small child in the room or they can play it. Co-ops are a great way to spend time together, too.

You get lost in Lego world. When your eyes are tired and you can’t read, or you’re anxious but don’t have the energy to work or sleep, this games lets you to kick back and have fun. No worries, no deadlines, just action-packed fun.

My complaints:

It’s easy to overthink. Coming from a long line of gamers, I expect to solve some complicated puzzle or need a code. That’s not the case in Lego games. Once you figure it out, you’ll often say OHHH … and feel a little dumb for not solving it sooner.

When more than two characters are involved, they can get in your way. This week, I had to “kill” my own teammate because he was in my way (he really just exploded into Lego pieces). How many of you have fantasized about doing that in real life? 😉

This game is perfect for anyone who loves the Pirates franchise – no matter your gaming experience. It’s highly addictive though, so if you can’t control yourself, make sure you watch the clock. I have lost sleep more than once while playing these games.

I hope anyone interested will try it, and if you have played it, let us know what you think below!

Revenant Publications

Category: Games