Bullet Point Review: Turbo


This is a new feature I thought up to give reviews of things I just feel like reviewing in a short, sweet way.  I started with a great little animated feature I caught on Netflix that seemed to get lost among the big-budget, sequel-happy world of modern cinema.

Bullet Point Review: Turbo (2013)

  • Title: Turbo
  • Premise: A snail name Theo (aka Turbo) is addicted to speed and racing despite his being, ya know, a snail and wants to enter the Indy 500.
  • Protagonist(s):

o   Theo (Turbo): Main character/Racing Snail (Neverending Story shout out)

o   Chet: Theo’s disapproving Brother

o   Tito: Snail-racing taco vender at Van Nuys, CA mini-mall “Starlight Plaza” who finds Turbo. They work together to achieve their dreams.

o   Whiplash, Smoove Groove, Skid Mark, Burn, and White Shadow: Starlight Plaza racing snails. Whiplash is voice by Samuel L. Jackson and Smoove Groove Snoop Dogg, which means this movie has both a Samuel L. Snail and a Snoop Snail)

o   Paz, Kim Ly, Bobby: Starlight Plaza venders who sponsor Turbo in the Indy 500.

  • Antagonist(s):

o   Evil Mower: Turbo’s first racing opponent.

o   Guy Gagne: Turbo’s REAL racing opponent and Indy 500 Champ.

o   Crows: They eat snails…a lot…

o   Mother Nature: Made Turbo a snail and thus…not very fast…

  • Conflict: Turbo’s addiction to racing affects his job, his relationship with his brother, and dominates his life.
  • Twist: Turbo accidentally Bruce Banners himself with NO2 and gains super-speed! Stan Lee would’ve been proud.
  • Moment I was Hooked: Somewhere around the line “You’re trashtalk is needlessly complicated!” delivered as only Sam Jackson can…
  • Journey: Turbo finds his speed; finds his dreams; and finds that, maybe like Dorothy, he had what he needed all along.
  • Surprisingly…: This movie has a kick ass soundtrack.  Good licensed and original music.
  • Most Relatable When…: Turbo becomes popular by going “viral” from a kid’s random video, including a catchy remix version.  It felt like it could happen because it’s happened oh so many times in the past with oh so many cats…
  • Final Thoughts: I’ve been on a bit of an animated feature kick. Mostly because they are a lot of them on Netflix. I’ve always liked snails so this one called to me. I didn’t have high hopes due to some of the kids’ movies of recent vintage (i.e. Kung Fu Panda…) but was surprised by how much I enjoyed this. Ryan Reynolds, though I’m not usually a fan of his live acting, turns out to be a great voice actor, the supporting cast is also excellent, the story is solid (though cartoonishly fantastical), and the message truly inspiring. Very creative, great fun, and better than most “serious” movies I’ve seen recently.
  • Rating: Four and a half snail shells outta five.


Turbo Artist
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Snail

How Hollywood Can Save (And Make) Some Money


Welcome to the film industry! Where Christian Bale is offered $50M to play Batman. Another sequel bombed. And a few premieres failed to make money on opening weekend.

I’ve wanted to write this post for a long time, and I love movies. I really do. Watching movies is one of my favorite pastimes, and in another life I’d work as a costume designer or makeup artist. But some things just need saying.

As I scrolled through Facebook this week, I read about Bale and rolled my eyes. Hollywood is so desperate to make another Batman-type movie, they’re willing to spend 1/8 of what the movie makes domestically on one person. They are even more desperate to make good movies. So desperate they think Batman himself can save a Superman sequel that doesn’t need to be made anyway.

I’ve read numerous articles about the film industry losing money. Dozens of reports say ticket prices will soar, possibly in upwards of $50 a ticket. They blame Netflix, Amazon and Redbox for stealing audiences away from the big-screen. It’s crap. The industry has no one to blame but itself.

If Hollywood wants to save (and make) some money, there are five things it needs to do:

1) Stop making movies no one cares about. Think: Pacific Rim, The Lone Ranger, The To Do List, Jack and the Giant Slayer, John Carter, After Earth, and the list goes on and on …

Sure, someone went to these movies, but these movies bombed in the states and some worldwide. Why is that? Because the masses don’t care about any of the stories. It doesn’t matter who you put into a movie and how much CGI there is, audiences today want a good story. They want a story that entertains them, makes them bust a gut from laughing, or scares the snot out of them.

2) Stop making senseless sequels. At first, I thought this was just a trend, but as I read about 106 new movies coming out this year, I counted eight sequels – five of which didn’t need to be made – like Machete Kills and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2. Will Catching Fire do well? Of course. Those movies have a huge following for good reason: they are based on a good book series. Movies like Catching Fire and The Hobbit already have an audience and fan base.

3) Stop rebooting movies that don’t need it. We needed a remake of Total Recall? Clash of the Titans? And coming soon, Romeo and Juliet, Great Expectations, and Carrie? Out of those three, guess which one will do well. Without a doubt it’s Carrie, and the original is nearly 40 years old. That fact and the popular Chloë Grace Moretz will ensure the success of the remake.

4) Reduce the number of premieres. There are 28 movies premiering in September 2013 alone. That’s almost a movie a day! No one has the time or money to see that many movies, nor do they want to. It’s insane to think Hollywood has to release that many movies to keep up with demand. I’d like to see Hollywood cut the number of premieres before jacking ticket prices up to $50. People do have jobs, families, friends, hobbies, and lives.

5) Stop spending so much money to make the movie. Sure Marvel’s The Avengers cost $220M to make, and it’s made $1.5B (that’s billion) worldwide. Anyone who hasn’t lived under a rock for the last five years knew it would do that well. However, Jack and the Giant Slayer cost $195M to make and grossed a whopping $65M domestically and $197.6M worldwide. It barely broke even. The lesson here is: if you’re going to make a movie no one will see, don’t spend a fortune producing it. Less expensive movies can do well when the audience actually cares about the story and wants to see it (eg: Paranormal Activity, Insidious, Warm Bodies, This Is The End).

I went through my EW a couple of weeks ago and made a mental list of the movies that will flop this year. It’s sad that a regular person with no film experience can draw that conclusion. And you know if I can make that list – and to tell you how confident I am, I’d bet my car on it – big-time Hollywood executives can do the same. All it takes is paying attention and having a little common sense.

Sources: Entertainment Weekly, Box Office Mojo

Remakes and Reboots: Part 4

The Failed Remake

Of course not all remakes can achieve the heights of some of the previously mentioned films.  We have recently been inundated with remakes that have either fallen short or failed spectacularly.  Famously, there is the disastrous remake of Psycho, which was copied short-for-shot with a new cast in color.  As if a new director could possibly have made the film better than Alfred Hitchcock?  The argument could be made that it is the same method used for the Night of the Living Dead update, but there are subtle differences… most importantly Savini participated in Romero movies and made his film to honor Romero and help audiences remember the original.  Psycho… I’m not entirely certain what the purpose of it was.  Everyone, even people who have never seen it, KNOW the original.  It was shot by a cinematic virtuoso whose work could not be replicated or improved upon.  The same could be said for Kurosawa (if Hitchcock has an equal, his name is Akira Kurosawa), but remakes of Kurosawa often honor the original and try to place the basics of his story in a new place (as we have seen, with mixed results).  There has been word that Kurosawa’s magnum opus, The Seven Samurai, is getting yet another American remake, this one starring George Clooney.  Not only would it be the second western remake of this terrific film, this is overall a TERRIBLE idea, however still will not insult the original as much as reshooting the source film in color, shot-for-shot, with new actors as though he didn’t get it right the first time a la Psycho.  Please people… just bite the bullet, enjoy the black and white and watch the originals… there’s a reason these films are considered some of, if not THE, greatest movies in film history…

Cult Classic Case Study: Clash of the Titans (1981)

Leaving classics aside (as the general reception of the Psycho reaction proved) cult classics have become the focus of the remake machine.  While they are more understandable fodder for a remake, the reason behind the popularity of the original is still lost on most remakers.  One easy example is Planet of the Apes, which also achieved the same level of negative response as Psycho despite Tim Burton at the helm.  I saw the remake only once, and I remember enough to know I wouldn’t want to see it again.  We’ll jump to a more recent remake disaster: Clash of the Titans.

First, the nature of the cult classic.  The cult classic remains a cult because it succeeds in spite of its flaws.  It is greater than the sum of its parts.  Clash of the Titans (1981) was a delightfully cheesy feast.  Harry Hamlin’s Perseus is a feathered-haired relic of the late 70s and early 80s.  Monsters and creations by stop-motion animation wizard Ray Harryhausen show the art form at its precision best, from scorpions and vultures, to tiny clockwork owls, and Medusa with her dozens of snakes.  Acting legends like Laurence Olivier, and soon-to-be legends like Maggie Smith graced the screen with B-movie actors like Hamlin and Ursula Andress.  The story is right out of the basics of mythology, a hero is set upon by a vengeful god… he now has to set out on a journey, far too big for him, aided only by his guile (and some well-placed allies on Olympus) he goes to save his love, Andromeda, from the wrath of a sea goddess and her vicious creatures.  He gets an adorable clockwork owl, Bubo from Athena, a special sword and shield (of course), and rides the unridable Pegasus, one of Zeus’ winged horses.  Along the way, he fights with the twisted Calibos, fends off attacks from Calibos’ vulture and scorpions, duels Medusa, and finally saves the day by turning Poseidon’s mighty Kraken to stone with Medusa’s severed head.  The film is fun because it is so silly.  Stop motion isn’t as slick as CGI, but that’s what makes it special, something that took craft, patience, and years if not decades of training to get a physical something in front of the camera with actual lights reflecting off of it and casting actual shadows.  You wonder at how the little R2D2-esque owl flew, or how the menacing vulture, or the elegant Pegasus did the same.  You know it’s all just “the movies,” but you still leave it wondering how someone could take the time and effort to do all these things.  Perseus himself is a demi-god who acts like an everyman.  He doesn’t have the strength of Hercules, by far the most famous demi-god, but his cleverness makes up for it.  He succeeds by out-thinking enemies not out-muscling them.  He gets help when he needs it, and accepts it because he knows he needs it.  He travels the world to save his love while the gods literally play at dice high above him.

The film is not the masterpiece of Yojimbo, or Psycho, it’s not even a reflection of the times like The Karate Kid, instead it’s just a fun movie designed to entertain audiences and take them away to a fantasy world like movies are meant to do.  Then the remake…

Cult Classic Remake: Clash of the Titans (2010)

It’s hard to tell whether the 2010 version was supposed to be a remake or a reboot of a series.  In the end, it doesn’t matter.  It is one of the worst remakes, and one of the worst recent movies, in a number of years.

There has been a trend in movies, especially action movies and historical period movies, for revenge as a motivation for the protagonist.  Braveheart and Gladiator are two critically acclaimed movies that display this trend.  It’s strange to consider as revenge is, at its root, a very ugly thing; something not to be desired in a person, and certainly not a hero.  In the 1980s Clash (hereafter known as Clash) Perseus’ motivation was rescue.  He has offended the sea goddess, Thetis, and now she seeks her revenge by forcing Perseus’ betrothed Andromeda to be sacrificed.  Note that it is the villain of the piece after revenge… as traditionally a villain would be after something that petty.  In the 2010 remake, Crap of the Titans (hereafter known as Crap… for obvious reasons) Perseus’ family is killed by Hades at sea (Why Hades at SEA and not Poseidon?  I’d guess because the filmmakers thought, “Hey Hades is like the Devil he’s so much COOLER than Poseidon!”), and Perseus tries to defy the gods by tracking down Hades and defeating him.  That’s right, Perseus is seeking revenge for his family, which we’ve seen in every movie that features a guy with a sword since 1997… yawn.  Perseus in Clash looked every bit the classic Greek hero (save for the feathered hair).  Greeks always favored cunning over brute force.  Perseus uses his cunning constantly, he’s quick, clever, and fast thinking.  Things aren’t always spelled out for him (or the audience), and he has to decipher mysterious puzzles to defeat overpowering enemies.  And Perseus in Crap?  He’s a generic thug.  His shaved head, square jaw, and tiny-tight mouth make him look more like a second string UFC challenger than a Greek hero.  He’s capable of two emotions, rage and despair.  He shifts his feet, looks sad, shouts, and acts as though he has no common sense whatsoever.  He uses NO guile instead relying on just being mighty.  He is very mighty.  He cuts his way out of a big scorpion after all.  He refuses favors of gods trying to help him; instead he endangers his travelling companions because of his own pride and selfishness.  He is easily the most unlikable movie hero of the last 5 years.  His quest doesn’t even make sense.  Andromeda is no longer his love interest.  She’s just a princess who gave him water and will be sacrificed because the town her father rules has defied the gods.  It seems Perseus (especially the selfish brute they made him) could go on his quest to “kill” a deathless god without worrying about saving her since he has no plot-developed attachment to her.  Instead his love interest is Io, who is as unnecessary a character as has never existed in a movie.  She’s basically there to prod this mess of a plot along and explain things to Perseus (and the audience who are treated like imbeciles by the filmmakers).  They could’ve named her Expositiana and been more honest with everyone.  Then there is Perseus’ quest.  He wants to kill Hades?  What kind of sense does that make?  The gods can’t even kill each other…  Even Homeric hero Diomedes was only able send Ares back to Olympus after gutting him with a spear imbued with power by Athena herself.  Today’s Perseus’ quest can be described in real life as this: your family is killed in a drive by; so you collect the finest police officers in the city and your closest friends to go punch a Gambino in the face.  Well done, you’ve killed everyone with you and eventually yourself, even if you knock him out, break his nose, and put him in the hospital for a month.  Eventually, they will be coming for you, and they have the ability to take you out far better than you can take them out…  Even if you are friends with the Governor…

Breaking the Remake Rules: Insulting the Original

So that’s the plot.  It’s bad enough.  How can a remake be worse than just a bad movie?  Easily, it can insult, demean, and forever try to one-up the original.  As I said from the beginning, remakes owe the original their existence.  They should recognize this, accept it, and honor the source material as much as possible.  Crap breaks this rule and never misses an opportunity to declare itself bigger, better, and badder than Clash.  They achieved the last one at least… in all the wrong ways.

Early in the film Perseus finds the clockwork owl.  He is told to leave it behind, as it’s apparently nothing useful.   The filmmakers to the audience: take THAT beloved classic character!  When scorpions appear in the desert in Crap they start out about the same size as the ones Perseus fights in Clash, then they get bigger and bigger until the final scorpion is the size of Delta’s Pacific airline fleet welded together into some metallic art-school drop-out garbage collage.  The filmmakers to the audience: You see?!  Look how much bigger and menacing our monsters are!  In Crap, Perseus comes upon a herd of elegant white Pegasus (which were all killed but one in Clash), suddenly they scatter and run as a bigger, BLACK Pegasus stomps into scene.  Filmmakers to audience: Yeah, we scared off those piddly white ones you saw in the original.  Look at how much COOLER the menacing BLACK Pegasus is!  Aren’t we awesome?  In Crap, the Kraken finally shows up released from, I guess Hades.  And why a SEA beast, the Kraken, is controlled by the lord of the underworld I have NO idea… just another display of how absolutely poorly the film was written using the original ideas.  The Kraken is the size of Tokyo bay.  Filmmakers to audience: See what we said about the scorpions? Yeah, he’s bigger, slimier and looks like a video game end boss, phase II.

In the end of Clash, Perseus uses his guile to turn the Kraken to stone, save the day, and win his girl.  The end of Crap is the same thing, but Perseus of course doesn’t get Andromeda. Instead, a coda is added where Io, who has DIED, is brought back from the dead by a LITERAL deus ex machina, and they leave the opening for a sequel, which is now impending for next year.  Pat yourselves on the back everyone for appealing to the lowest common denominator…